Bitches be blending....


Am I the only mom on playground waiting to pick up my kids with sweatpants, slouchy sweater boots on and one of my daughter’s sparkly “clippies” to hold my bangs back? I felt like the cheese who stands alone when I looked around and realized I seemed to be the only who couldn't get my life together long enough to make myself presentable today. I mean, I’m clean….does that count for anything? It’s not like I slept in these clothes. I do get dressed every morning like anybody else, difference being, I choose to dress like a 12 year old boy going to gym class.


I have an aversion to all things denim and I don’t feel like sucking my stomach in all day in order to wear a more fitted and possibly more flattering shirt. That’s fucking exhausting. So why can’t comfortable be fashionable? Why can’t high heels be abolished forever because they're basically torture chambers for toes? And why...WHY hasn't anybody had a yoga-pants-only wedding yet?

I used to put on make-up a lot more often than I do and I did so because I enjoyed it. I thought it was an art form. Now I just loathe it. Don’t get me wrong, I still do it once in a while, but my skills are gone. Way gone. I’m certain my five year old could do a better job. I’ve watched plenty of video tutorials on creating an absolutely perfect face. There are people out there that can execute eye shadowing maneuvers with laser like precision. The blending alone must take damn near an hour. Don’t me started on the whole contour thing. They rework their entire bone structure with that shit, but you know what I think about? I think about what would happen if someone splashed water on their face. What if they get caught in the rain and the umbrella doesn’t open up quick enough? What if they’re at a party and someone gets all soap opera on their ass by throwing a drink in their face? Then what? I’ll tell you what….their face will literally melt off. It would be traumatizing.

Accentuate the positive. Since when did lips the size of lifeboats become a positive? The first thing I want to do for these girls who vacuum suck their pie holes is grab a bag of ice. I think they’re taking the old “beauty is pain: saying a bit too literally.


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