The Quiet One

Being quiet in a world filled with noise tends to get attention in the oddest of ways.

There have been countless times when I've gotten approached with the tired question almost every introvert has heard more than once.
“What's the matter...why are you so quiet?"
I could never figure out what or how I was supposed to answer that. Yes, I am quiet. No, I didn't think anything was the matter. Was there? Did they see something wrong with me that I didn't know about?
Am sticking out so much, in such a way that I am making other people uncomfortable?
Cue the avalanche of self-conscious thoughts to bury me in place.

If a conversation manifests out of this question it usually proceeds in a manner similar to a deep dental cleaning...probing and uncomfortable, filled with the sound of scraping self-doubts inside my head. Either that or I'm likened to a circus performer trying to put on some great act of showmanship.

All the Who's are inside screaming "We Are Here! We Are Here!" But for what? When people talk about me or describe me to others, it's a given that I am and always will be, "the quiet one". Whether I am comfortable or uncomfortable, happy or will always be assumed that I'm brooding or having some sort of mood crisis.

Quiet people can be happy too and for the record, so can people who don't smile all the time.

The world is filled with people who accept that happiness is not meant to be a permanent state but fleeting and (hopefully) recurring along with the whole spectrum of other emotions. These emotions do not have to be shouted from the rooftops in order to validate them. They do not have to be worn like clothing for all to see. The important thing is that they are felt.

On the opposite side of the coin, there may be a time and place when I am actively participating in a conversation or working to my get my point across and someone will inevitably make the comment that I'm "all fired up" or that "something's really gotten into me!" I find this flustering and it throws me off track. It shouldn't always be assumed that quiet is equivalent to meek or an indication of weakness. The content of what is being said instantly gets undermined when someone shifts the attention and focus on the fact an introverted person is talking instead of listening to what they are actually talking about.

Not to mention, the center of attention is a position coveted by no one in the introvert brethren.

It is no wonder that social anxiety is often such a close companion to introversion. It is an unfortunate side effect of having explain, excuse and prove yourself worthy in the social arena and it is exhausting. It drains the mental and emotional reserves. I personally feel like road kill after an event, especially one I had to force myself to go to in the first place. The anxiety that builds before something is scheduled that involves being around different people or places, strange situations, unavoidable obligations....this anxiety could be crippling. It not only affects you in the moment but for days, possibly weeks before anything happens, it looms ahead of you. You dread it until it happens and when it's all over you feel like you have been hit by a commuter train.

So much of the imagery that comes to mind involves collisions and being run over. I often feel that way.Sometimes I feel like no matter where I step, I’ll undoubtedly be trampled or steam rolled by someone bigger, louder and therefore more important. As absolutely asinine and borderline juvenile as that perception might be,I’m not the only one still clinging to this adolescent delusion. I think, and I may be wrong, but I think almost every introvert has felt less than at some point.
Less than present.
Less than noticed.
Less than wanted, needed or missed.
Less than the world around us.
As an adult, I struggle at times to pull myself out of that traumatic haze leftover from childhood and to remind myself that I am not required to quantify who I am to anybody.

All those feelings of exclusion have a way of flooding back when people say something stupid like “Oh, I forgot about you!” Like I’m a load of towels in their dryer. It could hurt, if I let it. Then I usually consider the sources and it puts things back into perspective. Usually people who say ignorant and insensitive things are in fact, ignorant and insensitive on some level. The definition of ignorance is to lack knowledge. They do not know any better. They speak and they do not think and I am absolutely certain this does a good amount of damage to their lives. How could it not? If I spoke without thinking(and rethinking) ...I’d be living in exile, or in a cage like Hannibal Lecter. In that way, introversion is a gift(to us all).

Aside from wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm more comfortable having conversations with myself inside my head. Let me live my life and don't make this weird." I'm not really sure there is a way to bridge the gap of understanding between those who live out loud and the quiet ones. All I can do is become comfortable with that label and equally as comfortable ripping it off when I don't feel like being the quiet one. I'm working with the realization that every now and again someone will make me feel small or less than because I more easily forgotten. I might make less of an impression on people or they might find me unapproachable. Maybe on any given day I'm in a bad mood. Maybe it's just the way my face looks.

Most importantly, I shouldn't let it get inside my head. There isn't much room in there anyway.

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