Worth my Weight in Play Doh

What do you do when people make you feel unworthy?
I know the working mom/SAHM debate has exhausted itself over and over again. I personally, would consider myself more of a SAHM. I can say first hand that I've caught wind, most times inadvertently, of some pretty harsh criticism at times.

 One time in particular the news had a segment running in which they added up how much a SAHM would make roughly, if it were a paying position. Needless to say, there were snorts and scoffs of disagreement filling the room. Someone out and out started laughing at the thought of a SAHM being worth any kind of monetary value.

I was sitting right there.

It was one of those stunned moments where you can't think straight because your blindsided. I was being belittled while being belittled. Like I was invisible. Like I was nothing.

Sadly, this is a recurring theme in my life.

I know what you're thinking..."oh man, she's got some emotional baggage".
I'll be the first to tell you that I do. Emotional abandonment is a wound that just never heals right. The scar continually breaks open but my issues don't excuse other people from being complete assholes.
I may not make a lot of money. I have days when I get a lot done and days when I don't. My body and I have times when we can't get along. There are days when it is just physically impossible for me to do all the things I'd like to.

Unfortunately, I do not get satisfaction and fulfillment when I go to work because I have a job, not a career.

I am at a point in my life where I am trying not to make excuses and blame shift but the meat and potatoes of it is that I had very little to no guidance in high school. I was a decent student. My parents were in the low-middle class income bracket. It is possible I could have applied for some kind of financial aid. Nary a counselor in sight to shine a light on that possibility. I was lost in the shuffle of hundreds of high school kids. A quiet, unpopular one that most teachers couldn't recall by name. Sad story right? Wait.

My parents both worked hard for peanuts told me school was important, sure. They never stressed the fact that stellar grades won scholarships. They said they do not give scholarships or financial aid to kids like me. My options were to take a few classes at community college that will help get a job or get a job. It became clear to me that anything beyond community college would never happen because I couldn't afford it. That was the end of that. Throw in the personal turmoil of being uprooted and abandoned by your parents and you have a recipe for disaster.

Some people thrive and persevere no matter what life dishes out. Most people, however, fall victim to their circumstances. Yes, the environment, people, place and financial situation you grow up in has almost everything to do with what direction your life goes in. It's easy for someone who has always had a meal in their stomach, a safe bed to sleep in, books to read, pencils to write with, glasses to see, lunch to eat... it's easy for them to say, "you either have it or you don't." It is necessary for some people to fall in line and find work where it's available so they have some money to live. In doing this, they miss the opportunity to explore their options.

Don't get me wrong. I was not a 19 yr old working the factory line. I was lost; a little fish flopping on the sand struggling for breath and people just kept walking by. I kept getting further and further from where I should have been. You see, my body will never provide me with the means to make a living. Physical work is respectable, enviable. It's not for people like me who have asshole bodies. My mind was my ticket. I could have been anything.

I am resentful. I am still so mad at myself, at my parents and at all the people who were supposed to do their jobs to help me or recognize that I needed help. Little did I know at the time, but what was happening with my parents divorce and their resentment turning towards me....that was not my fault. I did not have to destroy my future as some self sabotaging form of punishment.

So sob stories come a dime a dozen, it doesn't explain why I'm 35 and still never pursued anything substantial. Well, I am a mom. That is the most substantial thing I will ever do. It takes a lot me. It doesn't seem like it always. I have my bad days. I have days when I'm tired but I'm always giving them something in some capacity. I will never be anything greater than mom and I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is this pompous attitude towards women who choose to stay home. I'm sick of being guilted like I do not contribute because I'm not making money. Pay someone to do what I do then I'll go to work. We'll see what costs more and then talk about how I don't contribute.

I'm tired of the attitude that I'm selfish and lazy. That I'm not a hustler or team player.
First off, I carried and birthed two children in a body that was broken. I sacrificed my health, comfort and personal well being. They destroyed me physically, hormonally and put me through the mental wringer. I would do it all again twice over for them. That's not selfish. I gave up the mere inkling of a thought of going back to school because it would take time away from them. It would be too expensive. We might need to dish up money for a move or private high school someday so that dream was laid to rest. That's not selfish.

Lazy? Ok.  I can be lazy but I'm fucking tired. Not going to argue much there but I get done what needs to be done and if I didn't have an invisible drain sucking the vitality out of my body everyday I might be less prone to laziness.
Most of my life is a hustle. From breakfast to bedtime it involves moving fast, thinking on my feet and stealth negotiations.

If my family represents a team(I hate sports metaphors). I am a team player. I made half the fucking team. That makes me a team player.

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